Tuesday, 1 July 2014

An End.

 How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.
- Winnie the Pooh

I said goodbye today, to someone I will never see again, ever.  By mutual, sort of, agreement.  That's the way it has to be.  Those are the rules.  So like a passing angel or fairy godmother (Fry has had one of these come and go recently too), she is gone.

I walked home, alternately trying not to cry and feeling like...she has given me great great gifts, incredible gifts.  She is not really gone, because she has given me things I can use and will use.  Her ideas will be with me every day.  When I react differently to a thing than I used to, that will be something she taught me.  When I have some hope of change, and believe it to be true, that will be something I learned from her.  She wasn't my friend, she wasn't my teacher.  She isn't dead.  But I will never see her smile again.  She'll not again tell me a different way of looking at something.  Being the friendly mirror I have needed for so long. 

I saw a man sweeping in his driveway, and thought - yes, I've been doing that.  I saw a dead bee on the ground, and thought - yes, we all die, we all stop.  And then I walk on, and there's more things to see and look at, grass coming up, other plants fading and withering already.  The sun is harsh and hot and bright.  I feel a bit sick.

I walk and I walk, slowly, and a small wash of something that feels like love moves over me, from outside, from behind, from what's gone.  I stop wanting to cry for a while.  I think someone else's thoughts, from TV or film or a book: endings are also beginnings.  Today is the first day...of everything else, everything after this.  Great great gifts, incredible gifts.

Soon her face will fade, I will forget the look in her eyes, I will forget the way she used to look away while I was talking, to hear me better, and only look up at me, almost startled, if I looked at her directly.

I made her cupcakes, and wrapped them in a box with ribbon.  All very amateurish, all very whats this about, why am I doing this?  Is this so I don't have to say anything, because I have no idea how to say what I want to say? How much she helped?

Am very sad she is gone.  Am very glad she was here.  Gifts.

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