Admin note:
I’ve been gone quite a long while really, haven’t I? But here I am, returned. That’s it for the Guest Season now, I
decided. Those posts still to come will
now be lone guestings later. After all,
it was sposed to be a Late Summer Season
of Love, wasn’t it? And it’s getting
Very Chilly now, Fireworks Night tomorrow; November for god’s sake…so I’ve
called a halt. You’re stuck with me
again. Welcome back…
***
Tiny pumpkin and bat biscuits made for us by our Honoured Guest, The Prince
The whole Samhain thing is reputedly the biggest date in the
year for us neo pagans, so I’m told. I
never quite get into the spirit of it entirely, though I like it. I’ve realised what the problem is, this
year. Looking at it just as a festival
for the one day, when what it holds are quite big ideas, that need living with
for a while to really start to use them. So I’m having Season of Samhain thoughts this year. Thoughts about the way this festival is
supposed to be the equivalent of New Year and all the associations that
holds. Getting rid of old things and
thoughts that have served purpose.
Bringing new things and ideas in that will colour the coming months
differently. Assessing your goals and
purposes and seeing if they still fit, or need changing and redoing; or
abandoning and entirely reshaping.
Honouring the dead: and not just dead people; but old dreams, old
ideals, old relationships. Being
comfortable with the past for that space of time, where everything merges and
bleeds together, briefly. Letting
go. Trying to welcome the present, the
future. A clean out, a reshuffle.
These are not small concepts. So I’m going to fiddle about with them a
while before I move along to the joy of returning light, at Yule.
And I tell you, I can feel the season working with me
already. It’s interesting, that once you
give yourself a framework to think within (and its important for me to keep
changing this framework, or risk stagnation and rigidity), the things you then
find to slot in, to be brooded over but differently to usual. I’ve had some events occurring and I’ve been
thinking about them sideways-ly as a result of these Samhain associations.
Hmmmm…
For instance, since late August Stanley and I and the noble
Fluffhead have had a houseguest, Stanley’s
best friend, The Prince. He was very
suddenly bereft of his princess after a long time, and through no fault of his
own. So he came to be with us for a
while to straighten his head. I am a
horrible person, because part of me thought how cool it was I now get to spend
so much time hanging out with The Prince person, as I haven’t seen much of him
for years…one man’s tragedy; one Blackberry Juniper’s silver lining. I was busy imagining how his Big Life
Incident was occurring around about the time of the old stag and the new stag
fighting (we know how that works out), and how it would be so much lovelier for
us all did this not have to be played
out in real life. I sat with him, I hung
with him, and I am determined that he will come to see beyond The Ending and
eventually find a Beginning here too. An
unwelcome one, but one that must be given in to. After all, I have squarely placed The Prince
in a fairytale background here, which I wouldn’t do idly. He needs to see this is a Quest beginning,
like my friend Jane I wrote of before…he has dragons that need slaying, and I
will sit here sharpening his sword for him till he’s ready to behead some
critters. Till he sees how strong, beautiful
and worthy he actually is. Till he realizes that this year's old stag defeated will by next year be the triumphant young stag again - and sure to win, because it all goes round; if you let it. And Stanley will, in the
meantime, chat to him extensively and calmingly, about his encyclopaedic knowledge
of film and music. In the way of bloke
conversation everywhere; that marvellous shorthand that seems so small and
contains so much.
Speaking of dragons needing slaying, I have been sitting
about dealing with some of my own. More
like Hydra. I slay one, they grow more
damn heads. The exquisite Fluffhead has been
having some issues a while now. Health and
developmental. They aren’t resolved, and
will take ages to be assessed, diagnosed, strategized, worked with. I’m not great with waiting, not knowing,
uncertainty. Especially for things I
feel almost 100% responsible for. I find I increasingly and easily can slip
into the pit, worrying about the future for Fluffhead, both material and
materially. The strength I will need to
be all I need to be daunts me.
Understatement. Just before the
Prince arrived, and tilted our world with his news (and it was like the world
tilted, we thought he and the princess were solid forever)…I was sitting on the
sofa one afternoon. Fluffhead was having
his nap, and I was reading. Out of
nowhere, I had thoughts about the future: I patterned, I freaked, I felt
overwhelmed. I started to cry quietly,
feeling helpless and resigned, panicky and circular. And then I had a nasty
little vision. I closed my eyes, and
there in my mind were a young woman and a girl, dressed in dunny coloured 1940s
overcoats. The small girl had beige-ish socks
that were bunching at her ankles. They
were an unremarkable pair. They had been walking
along, somewhere, holding hands, and they stopped and turned to me. The young girl pointed past herself and quietly
asked me, ‘Shall we leave now?’
It was one of the most persuasive death calls I’ve ever
heard. So softly done.
At the time, of course, it just made me cry more, because I can’t
do that. I don’t really want to do that
and I CANNOT do that, for all the reasons I was already crying about. For days afterward, those two bothered me;
that I had seen them and presented my thoughts to myself that way. I spoke to other friends who were convinced I
had been visited by ghosts in a vulnerable moment. (Possible, I spose, but I doubt it. There’s enough going on in my head that this
is all me.) Time Traveller nobly said if
I felt like that again I was just to call her straight away and she would come
over and hold my hands till the feeling went away. But after a while, I ceased to be freaked by
it. So I had those thoughts again. So what?
I straightaway knew I couldn’t act on them, and didn’t want to. Can’t go backward, can’t get off, got to go
forward. Got to let go of dreams for the
futures of others, and accept what is.
Work with that. Adjust
expectation, adjust view. Take each day,
each occasion as it comes. Search like
feck for the bright lights when they come, when they could be there. Remember that for your children, you are the
rock. And take gratefully the love of others,
which enables me to be as rocklike as possible for the little one.
Now, these are darkish things I’m speaking of aren’t
they? There’s been brights too. I went to a wedding on Saturday. Stanley
has some friends. *Lots* of friends. They are
anthropologically, sociologically, dead
interesting, as they are the most cohesive Group (yes, I give them a capital
G) I have ever come across. There’s a
core, and radiating outer circles, and lots of overlaps. In all I’d say, there’s clear 100 of them, at
least, this group. The core is much smaller,
but nearly all of them, the whole extended lot were at this wedding. And the wedding itself was of those I would
consider more or less to be bang on the dead centre of the group: the Lord and
Lady of it, to be pagan about it. It was one of the nicest weddings I’ve ever
been to. You know what I’m like with
groups, I don’t do so well. So I was worried I would be all shy and viewed as
anti-social as I wouldn’t be sure which Blackberry Juniper I am sposed to be being at any given time when faced with a conversation involving more than one
person. I was confused in anticipation.
Though looking forward to seeing the very few members of the group who had
allowed themselves to be shaved off the herd and made friends with me by
themselves (so I could concentrate properly).
And you know what? It
turned out really well, despite my
worried mutterings. There was an odd magic about the whole day. One fellow attendee proposed to me that this
was because everyone in the room (massive room; many many people) loved these two, the couple, and that the
wedding had been coming so long (lots
of years in the making) it was almost a fairytale event now it was happening. It
was making a lot of people feel hopeful; feel solid, feel that things can last, good things can happen. I saw many people I hadn’t seen in
years. I felt Group dynamic work on me…and
in a good way (that is very rare for
me!). I saw one friend who was peckish: I
gave him some chocolate. One person had become himself and himself is an Author and you can buy his books. (I bought them when I got home; writer types
must stick together.) I saw one person
with whom I have had a weird and rocky interaction from the get go…and we
sorted it, in one weirdly honest conversation in which surprising things were
said. It felt lovely to let go of
wondering what was wrong there, because now nothing is.
I saw a woman who draws little ink creatures; I love her and
don’t see her hardly at all – we had one of those conversations where absence
vanishes. Her force of nature husband, a
very long standing friend of Stanley’s
from musical days past, among other things, was Himself and I loved to watch
him as I always do. Some people just
make you smile with their frankness. I
met another person I’ve only heard of before, another old musical friend of Stanley’s, and was very taken
with his wit and kindness. One couple
looked incredibly healthy and at peace; turns out they have been travelling
around for a couple of years, taking a sudden windfall and living life with it
NOW, rather than waiting for some nebulous future. I admired their bravery, and saw how much it
agreed with them. I saw an acquaintance with
wild red hair and told her how much I loved it, and watched her eyes be
happy. I had a conversation with one
friend who also has kids, no time and little money; we joked about our yachts and our
times in the Bahamas,
not…the mutual lack of news was made
golden by the humour; why don’t I laugh more??
I saw the Lady's right hand woman, all smiles and a gorgeous silver stole; a bubble of happy good nature; she is never less than kind to me. I saw my Treasured Friend from the Group, watched her dance, chatted a
while, realized how much I had missed her, resolved to fetch her more often, so
I can listen to her talk, for I love her brain; she’s quick and kind, and level
like I never am.
Saw so many others. The
Prince reconnected with many of his friends; they were so happy to see
him. One important person of mine I
never even got the chance to speak to. Saw
the one naughty and spirited wench woman who could’ve tempted me off the wagon
of not smoking for she is a Siren to Fun; and she very kindly Did Not Do It! I
saw the friend I always admire for her work with the animal shelters; and for her
brilliant gothy clothes: she walks the talk in both senses. Saw several
peripheral people I remembered having great conversations with while waiting
for Stanley to
get home sometimes; it was as if the past had popped right into the present –
there had been some good changes, but so many people were the same, in a good
way, a reassuring way. People were happy
to see me, which joyfully surprised me.
Poleaxed me, really. I always
felt so marginal around them all in the past.
But I was a different person then.
And through it all, there were the Lord and Lady, wandering
through, hugging and chatting to people, the catalyst for all this connection. She was in a 1940s floor length dress, with a
faux fur white stole; she looked beautiful, she looked happy; she said her vows
with total confidence. I teared up. The groom was smiling all day. He’s a great good tempered man anyway, a bear
of big brain and bigger laughter. I
watched them hug, I watched the speeches, I saw people all over the room
reuniting. Laughing. It was a good
day.
Just for a minute there, I understood how it all works.
I saw changes, I saw things being let go of, I saw them
Begin. In the season where things start
to curl inward and appear to die, I saw so much Life.
Blackberry Juniper and the Most Wondrous Stanley, at the Great Wedding
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