Is it the fact that I have a massive people pleasing side
that makes it such a conundrum for me to deal with insults and conflict,
perceived or real? I dunno.
Have some background to this post’s thrust: I have a friend
on facebook that I’ve known a few years. He’s had a hard life. He has numerous issues. One of them being an inferiority complex
hiding a superiority complex. I say that
with such confidence because I reckon lots of people labour under that one, I
recognise it, being one of them myself!
So anyway. Most of
the time, he’s one of those FB friends who posts inspirational memes, and
starts stimulating discussions. And
sometimes people are unaccountably rude to him.
I feel his vulnerability, and have stuck up for him in the past, several times.
He’s quick to take offence.
And apparently, slow to learn, in the sense that twice in the last month
he’s taken to me, snapping like a yappy dog, when I’ve had the slightest
disagreement with him. Being as angry
with me as with those who have been nothing but rude to him. Despite my attempts at calming p-mails, he’s
still…bristly. After the last I sent
him, I got a public thread reply, just prickling with contempt (yes, I don’t
think that’s too strong a word) for both the English (he’s American), and for
the uneducated of his own country. And
there was a nice little insult for me in his paragraph too. About how ‘very young’ I am.
It was one of those sly insults. One that tries to come off as a cool calm
comment. What it was, was a condescending
slap.
Now – here’s what I’m going to talk about (finally, I hear you moan): my perplexity
in the face of being insulted – how to react for the best??
To be having a conversation with someone who undermines
everything you previously said by asserting you are ‘very young’ is
frustrating. So – apart from the fact
that I’m nearly 42, and I’m not going to debate my maturity or immaturity (it
fluctuates, I’m erratic, I own it freely) – its feeble to assert ‘young’ people
have no right to their stance or view simply because of their age. Or that they cannot disagree with an older
person (especially, in this case, an older person who tantrums when you
disagree with them, rather than discuss it).
I think it’s funny that I have always put such energy into
how I react when I am perplexed by an insult.
No matter how ‘right’ I might feel, or how misguided or misunderstood I
might feel myself or the other person is – and no matter how much my kneejerk
reaction is always either: want to answer back crossly/ cry/ walk away and
never come back…I ALWAYS end up putting much thought into my reaction. If
I have managed to avoid the kneejerk three.
Which occasionally I have. So
far, in this case, I have.
I always want, wish, to react – well. Proportionally.
I think maybe the jibe about me being ‘very young’ cuts so
immediately and annoyingly, because in matters of argument, I always feel I do
react exactly like a child. And I wish I reacted like an adult.
So I go through my range of responses I see in those around
me, all of which I feel are better than the ones I usually give in to.
There’s the obvious way of Silent Dignity. Stanley
is in favour of this one (which is amusing, considering how he loves a good
argument). I am befuddled by this one.
It turns out I am not even on nodding terms with dignity, so I’m not
sure how it is done. I am told it
involves simply IGNORING the offending comment, and letting the snideness of
the whole paragraph he wrote speak for itself.
So that anyone else who reads it would think he was being OTT, and there
I am being dignified by remaining aloof.
But then: (a) this reminds me of when there are allegations
against celebrities in the press. You
read them and think ‘gosh, is that true?’ if it’s someone you like, and then
there’s no answer…so you don’t know. The
mud has been slung, and it just sits
there, dripping, ruining the view.
I feel the Silent Dignity response lacks…balance. The other side of the story is not addressed;
the responding answer not given.
Also – does it not come off similar to sulking?!
And, (b) ignoring something is hard! Here I am, itching to reply, to defend myself
and strongly. To up the ante.
This brings me to my next example of a response. I straw-polled Troubadour. Now, Troubadour is something of a mini legend
in everyone’s lunchtime when it comes to arguments. Where Stanley
is all about logic, logical fallacies and scientific debunking of false
‘facts’, Troubadour is a whole different (and rare) kettle of fish. He’s the best Character Assassin I’ve ever
seen work. I’ve seen him do a complete
Personality Takedown in a couple of sentences.
Its not about facts, or fallacies – it’s about winning. Destruction of the opponent, not the
argument. However – if your opponent’s
self-esteem just puddled on the floor, you pretty much won that argument,
didn’t you? What was it you said?! I remember evenings in pubs where smoke
misted in front of his face, and an amused (and yes, malevolent) look in his
eyes, as he shifted position and went for the exact weak spots in a person he
had located. If it was a woman, the
assassination would be begun or ended with “darling”, said in a drippingly
acidic way that never failed to make my stomach turn over. Yes.
My exhub was sometimes a not a very nice person at all; but you have to
respect the Player at work. It really
was awe inspiring to watch him engaged in psychological massacre with someone
(not war; as I never saw him lose, not once in 16 years).
So: I’m expecting Troubadour’s response to be that I should
say something massively deadly and sniperish – bang bang you’re dead! However unlike me that would be. But…I think he has mellowed. He surprises me by recommending the Silent
Dignity approach. Or perhaps he feels
its better suited to my personality; more doable? So there will be no murders today then…
The next person to poll would be Fry. Fry hangs out on a million internet
forums. He is an expert in
internet-based, forum-based disagreements.
He has been in many flame wars and lived; been Trolled and been a Troll
himself. Lately he has been gaining a
reputation of something of a Troll Tamer.
He has a technique of never rising to anger or insult, and just calmly
carrying on talking. He carries on the
conversation quietly, no matter the abuse, no matter the insult. To him it’s all a game. Eventually, the Troll calms down and becomes
friends with him. Fry says Trolls are
usually very clever people who are bored to death. Fry is very good at standing back from
things, at not taking them either seriously or personally. What an amazing skill! This is one I really need to learn. My own current feeling on that is simply that
if someone says something TO ME, how can it be anything other than
personal? They didn’t say it to someone
else, after all. Then again; I agree
that people speak out of their own lives and issues, and as I’m not them, how
am I to know what they are living through, what may prompt them to overreact to
me? Or me to them, for that matter.)
Fry is all about the standing back. The next move. In any conversation, he’s a quiet strategist.
Annoyingly he’s out and not answering his phone, so I can’t question him on
this. But knowing him well, I think he
would say this: (a) this is the ‘net, it’s not real – people behave on the net
as they never would in real life – they let fly with much less inhibition. Basically they are crazy drunks without a
drop of alcohol in them; screeching toddlers in 50 year old bodies. (b) Its not personal, chill. (c) do you want
to snipe back? In which case, craft it… (d) But then, mum, you’re too
soft for these games…ignore it. It’s
just a man, grumbling – you have not begun to see some of the Trolling I have, this
is nothing! Shrug it off!
So I take that as another vote for Silent Dignity, with a
side dish of ‘whatever, fuck it!’
But virtuous as Silent Dignity might look, it still feels like
I would be acting it if I did it. See how Mature I Am! I
Do Not Rise To This!
Would it not be more authentic of me to have a bit of a
stomp?! But then…this is a very my generation
thing, isn’t it? This wanting to let it
all hang out this way. What would a
stomp accomplish? Even if I tried to do it calmly? I would just end up looking as snide as The
Insulter.
Hmm. A quagmire. So I shall look at some more people, and how
they would react. A role model.
The first one that comes to mind is My Mother. She is incredibly charitable and very
good. (And she reads this blog! Oh hush hush, mum, it’s my blog – if I think
you are good I can say so! Goodness is
in the eye of the beholder!! Stop
shaking your head now!) I think she
would counsel me to try and understand why
he was so vehement and upset. To try and
see his side of things. And reply
quietly and calmly, and short. Which
sounds very sensible. It fits with my burning
need to SAY SOMETHING BACK (‘you hurt my feelings! I want to beat your head with a shovel!’),
but requires me to put a ton of proper empathic brainwork behind it. As she’s Christian, she would pray over it, if
it was her. We are very alike, she and
I, both terrible brooders over incidents that have unsettled us – so I know she
would pray both over her own reaction and the anger/hurt, and over the other
person, who she would see as also in pain, and would pray for them to be
comforted. Damn good woman, my mum.
There is a further approach to conflict, to any relation
with people, that I do try to emulate.
It’s an idea that my good friend Dreamer practices. He calls it The Line. (Any errors in describing this are all
mine.) It’s an idea with you all the
time, in every dealing with every person.
If done correctly it prevents upset and overreaction. It begins: There is a Line. You yourself stand above it, always. Above the line means approval and good
relationship. The idea is: you are
always in good relationship with yourself.
Based on how other people treat you, their words and actions, depends on
whether they are above the Line (in good relationship and happy company with
you); on the Line (you are behaving dodge-ily and I am frowning a bit, but
giving you the benefit of the doubt); or below the Line(you have behaved badly
and I am unimpressed). The merits of
this simple system are threefold.
Firstly, people move up and down based on every encounter –
so there’s no typical me behaviour of holding a grudge for 50 years! If someone has behaved better this time than
last time you saw them, they move up. It’s
flexible, and constantly moving, pragmatic.
Secondly, as a system: its cool and cucumbery. You are always (second nature it becomes, he
tells me) reassessing people. It
prevents you from getting all over emotional because there’s no reading between
the lines. There’s assessing, judging
people by their actions, in relation to you.
Lastly, and the greatest joy of the system for someone like
me, is what you do mentally with people who have fallen below the Line: you
give them absolutely no thought at all.
If they have behaved badly enough to have fallen below the line (and it’s
supposed to err on the side of generosity in application), then they are not
worthy of you at the moment. Not worthy
of your thoughts, your voice, your actions, nothing. They become more or less invisible, in terms
of importance. This means that if they
are people you see around the place, work or pub, for example, you simply treat
them politely as colleagues or as fellow drinkers (etc) when you bother to
engage with them at all. They may take
from your distractedness what they will.
(Remembering most people are too self-centred to possibly even notice
they are being treated differently!) Once
a person is below the line, they have every chance to come up again, but it’s
up to them to prove themselves to you. If
you notice they are making deliberate attempts to get back in your good books,
or just generally being much more agreeable and not at all rude, you can assess
if you feel its sufficient and acceptable, and alter your behaviour toward them
accordingly (having raised them to – ‘on the line, I’m keeping half an eye on
you’).
If done wrong, the line could look to outsiders like
extensive game playing. It’s anything
but. Whenever I have tried to implement
this system of thought I have found it a great aid to being calmer and less
emotional about things that have unsettled me.
However, I often fail at the Line because I fall at the first hurdle:
that of You Yourself Are Always Above
the Line and in Good Relationship With Yourself. With my degree of self doubt, and on some
days, self-loathing, I find the Line very hard to implement simply because I second
guess myself SO MUCH that when I have had a disagreement with someone, I can’t
quite tell who is at fault; and have a horrible suspicion it is Always Me.
Dreamer has commented on two things about my attempt to
implement The Line. One, that I need to
love myself MUCH more to get it to work best; and Two, that this only what he
does, and I can change and alter it to fit myself better. Trouble is; I feel it’s a perfect system of
thought now, just as it is.
And in this case, the purpose of this post, it’s another
vote for Silent Dignity, isn’t it?
Because I’ve fallen out with the Insulter before, smoothed it privately,
yet here he is, doing it AGAIN, and publicly…I think I would be correct to take
him from On the Line, to Below the Line.
By which token he no longer exists till I see him trying to be nice to
me. Actually, I’m feeling pretty good
about that analysis. That’s Silent
Dignity with a proper reason behind it.
(And it also kills this post dead, doesn’t it? What am I doing, bleating on endlessly about
someone who isn’t worth a thought at the moment?!!)
There are 2 other perspectives I could reference. There’s the one I grew up with: What Would Jesus Do? The answer there is immediately clear and has
been drilled into me: Forgive Him. It’s
not so much the Turn the Other Cheek, as I think unstable people can be enraged
if you do that. But genuinely forgive
him. He knows not what he does,
etc. I save myself all aggro by just…letting
go, with goodwill. I quite like this
reaction too. It’s kindly, and
charitable. If I could do it genuinely,
then gosh – wouldn’t I be a better person?
It means also, I could respond if I want to, but calmly. Trouble is, I have taken offence myself (‘very
young’ – humpf, indeed!!). I find it hard to not be wary. And – is forgive always linked to forget? I’m
not so good at forgetting…
Then there’s a strain of thought in my life that’s a bit
difficult to describe. Its sort of old
fashioned. Related to fairy tales and
fiction, and the Knights of the Round Table; to history and Bruce Lee, Jeet Kune Do. To the Wiccan writer Kerr Cuhulain and his concept of Modern Knighthood, an ethical system. To the Nine noble Virtues of Asatru (paying attention to number one of the Nine Charges, in this case). I can express it best in lists of qualities,
the Me I Try To Be: Courage, Honour, Integrity, Industriousness, Courteousness,
Duty…you get where I’m going with this sort of list? I am reading a lot of Cuhulain at the moment,
so I’ll wander through some of his knightly precepts for advice:
According to a principle like Know Yourself, I would
consider exactly how much I am at fault for this argument; I will take my own
qualities and ways of reacting into account.
If I tried to see beyond the obvious, beyond what is usually perceived
by the eye – perhaps I wouldn’t view this as a disagreement at all, but simply
a learning opportunity. Observe my
reactions, work on them if unsatisfied.
I would consider a principle like Right Action. Takedown would not be right action in this case – total overreaction.
I would Not Engage in Useless Activity: why am I arguing futilely
on the ‘net with a damaged person a continent away?? What good does it do either of us? I have many more profitable things I could be
doing…we need plates! I should be
washing up! (Cuhulain’s principle of Do Not Be Negligent Even in Trifling
Matters, here!)
How about the Gods Cannot Help Those Who Do Not Help
Themselves? The Insulter has a pattern
of stropping emotionally whenever disagreed with. Of declaring his trials and misfortunes and
woes, like a badge. It stops people in
their tracks, so taken are they with his plight; they stop disagreeing with
him. I did, the first time. Now I think…you are playing victim to shut
people up; maybe you don’t know you are doing it (done it myself in the past;
easily done). I have a problem with
losing my temper easily. How am I to
overcome it, if I don’t learn to restrain my temper by shutting up in actual
confrontation if my only response is an unconstructive angry rude one?!
There’s You Create Your Own Reality. (Not in an overbearing Law of Attraction
way – some other post I will talk about this idea that’s taken over the New Age
booksellers and lots of magickal books; it’s got a very sound basis, BUT has been
stretched into some ridiculous and dangerous shapes by some authors). In this case, that means me acknowledging
that I am in this situation partly because I helped make it. Definitely true: I answered the Insulter
back, and twice – I engaged in the conflict without much thought to the outcome. So now I’m here, I should learn from it.
This is all sounding like another vote for Silent
Dignity. Only it’s starting to seem less
and less like an act I would be doing, and more and more like…the right,
reasoned thinking thing to do, here.
Maybe I am edging toward a sense of Right Action?
Alright.
Summarise. Insulted by a semi
friend I usually like quite a bit in a forum on the ‘net. Possible reactions:
Stanley: Silent Dignity. You have tried reasonable argument, reasoned
response. Next step: ignore, cool down.
Troubadour: Silent
Dignity. Takedown not merited here. (I don’t think I have that skill, besides;
not even in writing, where I’m best.)
Fry: Silent
Dignity: Forget about it, unimportant, don’t take it personally – the net is
like cars: people don’t behave according to normal rules of engagement.
Mum: Understand,
empathise. Based on that, respond or
not. But be kind, and think long and
hard before responding, if there is to be a response.
Dreamer: Silent Dignity. He has fallen Below the Line with his
behaviour. Until he shows you by his
behaviour that he is worthy of your attention, he doesn’t exist. Who?!
Jesus: Forgive Him. Be kind in your evaluation. Be understanding. (This isn’t a moneylenders in the temple
moment – it’s not that serious – so no righteous anger and action really
merited…)
Cuhulain and the idea
of Modern Knighthood: understand the
situation as a whole, including your own part in getting yourself here. Understand your own emotional reaction;
assess whether response is necessary.
Perhaps simply to learn is enough, here?
You can’t change the other person’s victimy way of behaving, or the insecurity
that caused the jibe to undermine me about my youth. The goal of modern knighthood is self
mastery. So to respond crossly is
stupid, uncontrolled, and unproductive.
Hmm…Also, one of my favourite quotes is: ‘Be the change you
want to see’ (regardless of who said it or how accurate that quote is or isn't). I could be strong but
courteous. Bushido code-ish (rei =
courtesy; jin = compassion/mercy/benevolence). I could be
sincere, chivalrous – not kick a man who is definitely already feeling down. I want to be better than that.
Yes.
I still have absolutely no idea how to respond, if I chose
to. I don’t think I have the cool head
enough to pick the wise words that would be the oil on troubled waters…(never
quite understood that expression). But I
AM
wise enough to know that means I should probably keep my mouth shut now…I don’t
want further conflict. I should Keep
Silent (there’s another old magickal concept for you, applied here).
I am always waffling on about the concept of empathy, here and in other posts. Could it be I should just choose to let my
anger and hurt drain away, to simply understand another’s pain, which causes
them to react unreasonably? And
considering I helped the situation arise, I could just let it go, with
compassion for us both. Without
attaching undue importance to it…
***
It is amusing, is it not, that I just spent YEARS of your
life here, debating at truly EXCRUCIATING LENGTH, what to do about something
and to end up deciding to do nothing elsewhere?
Which I knew at the start was the correct thing to do?! I just had to thoroughly think it through,
with the aid of the cooler heads…That does make me smile.
Oh well, let’s hope my ‘workings out’ here (oh! It’s a maths
exam!) help other people think when their heads feel hot.
And to a resounding, Dignified Silence, I go…
…to do the washing up.
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